Triggers and Resistances
When I was starting my mindfulness transformation, I was asked to set my intention for the journey. I set the intention of being a better mom, a more mindful, and present one. I felt like that was the area in my life where I was most lacking mindfulness and the space I most gladly neglected. But as you can probably agree, the area that needs it the most.
As I went about my days, I found myself being present and fully mindful until I would pick up Adele from school. I KNOW!!! She was always nagging, attention hogging, and doing everything possible to annoy me. I felt my blood pressure rising, my jaw tensing, and all of my mindfulness getting undone in a matter of seconds. To make things worse, it brought it a huge wave of shame. Shame that my child was causing me to lose my you know what.
Problem one was not my child. It was my lack of preparedness, attention, and desire to be fully involved with my child at pickup.
Desire. You see, I love podcasts and books on tape. And I love being alone in the car. She was acting out partly because I was seeing her presence as an annoyance and interruption of my podcast listening experience. Selfish, you bet! But I said I wanted to be a mindful parent more than anything. This was my chance to make the change.
Attention. What Adele needed most was to feel important. She needed to be heard and seen. So I reframed this experience to be about her. I changed my intention at pickup to one of fully engaged and undivided attention.
The preparedness in our case displayed as inadequate snacks, so I started bringing cheese sticks, apple slices, or homemade smoothies for pickup. Hangry is not pretty. This helped so much!
Problem two was shame. That shame from being selfish locked me into repeating the same mistakes over and over and believing that I couldn’t do anything about it. (“I can’t change” is the victim dialogue, btw.)
My solution was to replace the feeling of shame with healthy discernment. I evaluated what was happening with a good dose of discernment and honestly. I was able to see the downward spiral pattern. Was I selfish? Yes. Was I ready and willing to change? Yes. It allowed me to see clearly and chose another path. I take it in 5-minute increments like I teach you to do. I pause and breathe before I react.
My resistance was towards giving up the activity I enjoyed, which was also serving as an escape to doing something I saw as less fun or educational. But as I started changing my attitude, intention, and attention in those moments, our relationship changed too. I started appreciating those moments at pickup, and the annoyance was replaced with love and gratitude filled dialogue. Bye, Shame! Hello, mindful mom!
Why was this so important? In my transformation journey, I learned that most of the negative programming and baggage came from childhood believes embedded in me by my parents and society. I absorbed it all like a sponge, and my perception of reality was forever fogged by that knowledge.
I do not want my children to have to unpack the same amount of baggage or more. In this case, I was programming her to believe that she was not worthy of my undivided attention. Her perception that mom’s podcast or phone conversation was more important would form her reality. It would lower her self worth, something that would take months if not years to build back up later.
I don’t have it all figured out. But I am proud to be willing to admit my flaws and change.
When you need a little pick my up here is a fun affirmation:
“Today, I do my best. If tomorrow I learn a better way, I will take it.”