A Mother's Struggle
The struggle of a mother born to create…
Is it selfish not to want to parent and want to write? Am I a bad mother when I don't want to play with my kids but want to play with the projects dripping down through my conscious channel? Is it wrong to want to escape your duties and retreat into your inner world? While the world is judging and speaks harsh words like "should," "bad," and "selfish," why is it so hard to give yourself grace and recognize the why behind this inner turmoil?
Before kids, we have all these ideas about how we will parent, how engaged we will be, how mindful and careful with our words, how involved we will be, and how much we will sacrifice. When we become parents, there are many who enjoy parenting. Many feel this is their life mission. They feel complete in some ways. They are nourished by it and feel their Heart sing when they sit on the rug and play with their kids for hours. But what if you are a mother but feel the strong urge to create, write, build something, and bring formless into form? Do you deny your desires and martyr yourself?
As mothers, we play this internal tug-of-war. "I wanted this child so much. Someone out there who really wants a child wishes they could be me now. Yet here I am, all I want is to pass these responsibilities onto someone else, lock myself in a quiet place, and create." And you hear the outside voices, "Why did you have children then?" (You can hear them, can't you?)
There are those of us who came to be the greatest creative channels. Lifetimes of experiences, learning, masteries, and gifts all culminate into this lifetime. We have so much to give. We have wombs full of Light codes waiting to explode. And yet, we are mothers. We have responsibilities, duties, rhythms, and seasons created FOR US by our kids and their needs. Here's the thing though: because you are a mother, you are the most powerful creative portal there can be. You birthed a Soul into this world. (Pause....seriously, see/imagine the energetics of this!!!!)
And now, see yourself surrounded by YOUR Soul Council and all aspects of you before you drop into this body and feel/hear/sense the agreement that was made. "You will birth children so that you can KNOW the greatest LOVE there is. So you could feel the fire of creation. So your body could experience Seed of Life to Flower of Life sequence exploding in your womb. So you could remember the power you hold as a creator being. So you could then, with confidence and a womb that has been tested by the greatest force, go and create and give birth to all other creations."
What does this change for you? For me, I saw my children (old Souls in little human bodies) differently. I appreciate them in a different way. It also turned something on that took away the guilt and shame of not being a good/engaged enough mother when I chose to follow my creative calling and see why they chose me as a vessel for entry into this world. In every moment, as I choose to do my best, be the kindest, most loving me, and yet honor what wants to continue to be birthed through me, I am in service of them.
It also made me realize that more than any spiritual retreat or pilgrimage, I want to travel with my children. They are parts of me, I am the portal and a guide for them. We came here as a constellation - the most important constellation there is in my life. They need to be involved in my work in some way or form because my channel is magnified by them, and my power turns on with their help. This may not make any sense, but I trust that if you are a mother, you will feel this, too, if you connect to it. Yes, it can be an inconvenience and annoyance sometimes, but what if there was another way to see it? Not to shame yourself into becoming something you are not but as a new filter for your experience here.
Sometimes, I have to honor my creative flow and what is coming through, shut the door, and say, I will be out in 10 minutes. Are they safe? Do they really need me? Or are they just bored and need someone to entertain them? From this boredom, creative genius is often born. We dance together. We create boundaries and safety around when to interrupt and when to make requests for our needs to be met. Many of us on the healing path have excavated much pain and resentment towards our parents and vowed to do better. But this looks different for everyone.
If you are being given visions of what wants to be birthed through you - a technology, a song, a book, a teaching, art, healing modality, project, business, it is all for a reason. The inspiration - the spark of creation is awakening inside you because your Soul is capable of bringing it earthside. How you do it in a way that honors your commitment to being a mother, what boundaries you create, what agreements you make with your partner/children, what support you call into your life, and how you will relate to all of these moving parts is entirely up to you! You are doing great. Amazing! Bravo, mama! Sending you love and a huge hug!